DO
NOT Spread This Ed. Note: Ms. Shay, our token Republican, agreed to write for us only with the stipulation that no editorial hands touch her words. Thus we publish this, her twenty-second column (see bottom of page for complete list), exactly as it came in over our email transom.  --Midland, Tex. Out here in the heart of God’s country we’ve known for a long time that
the Democrat Party is capable of dirty tricks. But now they’ve
outdone their scheming, conniving selves, proving once again that they’ll do anything
to try to win an election.
They talk about us springing last minute surprises (as if the prinicipled men—and one noble lady—at the helm of our government would ever stoop so low), and here they are spreading unprecedented cow do-do across the Internet about the President. Why, dear reader, am I so upset? Because, friends, there is a Web site that is publicizing the most scurrilous filth about our own hometown Midland boy, the Honorable George W. Bush. I’m not about to name the site and give those ornery good-for-nothings any publicity. I’ll just say this much. My nephew Freddy Joe (my sister’s firstborn), who advises me on Internet matters, tells me that the site in question is well-known as a hotbed of liberals and other supporters of free-thinking dangers to The American Way of Life. Freddy Joe may be only eleven but, judging by how many hours a day he spends on his computer, I trust him unreservedly on all cybernautical matters. Patience, dear reader, we now come to the point. The site in question, you see, has a long piece full of phallacious evidence that President George W. Bush is a closet smoker! That he is in fact a CHAIN-SMOKER!! And no ordinary one at that, but hooked on (are you ready?) UNFILTERED KING-SIZE CHESTERFIELDS that haven’t been manufactured for DECADES!!! That's not all, my dears. This reprehensible site further claims that Blessed Barbara Bush keeps her baby in smokes by paying, out of her house money, a small factory in eastern North Carolina to do nothing but churn out cartons of Dubya’s allegedly favorite retro coffin nails. Can you believe that any decent human being would stoop so low? These people, these Democrat-Party-ites, have no shame, do they? To even suggest, as they do at great length, that President George W. Bush is not only addicted to cigarettes but has been so for many years, requiring the expenditure of untold millions of dollars not only to keep on manufacturing the brand he needs to feed his habit, but more millians as well to conceal this fact during his White House tenure… Well, it takes your breath away, doesn’t it, so far beyond the bounds of Christian charity such a claim is. Such shameless rumor-mongering really puts us Republicans' alleged biases against gays, non-Baptists, and Central Americans in the shade, doesn't it? These people, whoever they are, have not one shred of proof, at least not of real proof. Oh, they have some allegedly sworn statements on their despicable site by disgruntled former White House staff members, and they have a couple of grainy photographs allegedly taken with telephoto lenses through the White House windows, but Freddy Joe assures me that with something called, I believe, "Photo Shoppe" it is possible to fake just about anything in a picture these days. Can you imagine what sort of mind must be behind coming up with such a scurrilous charge? Who could possibly believe that President Bush would ever mislead the American people in such a grievous, underhanded way? I went so far as to check with my third-cousin-twice-removed’s best friend, Irma Beth Poindexter, who has actually spent a night in the White House as a guest of George and Laura. (Irma Beth’s husband, Billy Bud has oil leases on so much of the Permian Basin that it’s hard to know anymore how much of it belongs to Billy Bud and how much of it still belongs to the Good Lord, at least that’s what some local wit claimed last week at the Midland-Odessa Rotary Club meeting.) Anyhow, I called Irma Beth to ask her if she had seen any indication of errant nicotine usage during her sojourn in the White House. She assured me that not only had she not seen anything, her nose had also not noticed anything because she said the air in the White House smells every bit as pure and just slightly sweet as the air that hits you in the face when you walk in the front door of the Permian Basin Mortuary and Columbarium GmbH, which everybody in Midland agrees has the best-smelling air west of the Pecos. Irma Beth’s assurances certainly put my mind to rest and I hope it has yours too, Dear Readers. Whatever you do from this point on, do not, I repeat, DO NOT spread the false and baseless rumor any further that GEORGE W. BUSH IS A CLOSET-SMOKER OF UNFILTERED KING-SIZE CHESTERFIELDS. END Ora Shay's Output Shay No.1: Thanks a Lot, Dubya!
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