Dirty Jokes 10

Picking on the Aggies again
Did you hear about the Aggie who:
   --couldn’t learn to water ski because he couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
   --got his degree but couldn’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn’t fit into the typewriter.
   --got excited because he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."
   --was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
   --couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
   --when asked what the capital of California was; answered "C."
   --burned his nose bobbing for French fries.
   --baked a turkey for 8 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 185.
   --couldn’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.
   --hates M&M’s because they are so hard to peel.
   --changes his baby’s diaper only once a month because the label says "good up to 20 pounds."

What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech’, etc.? An Aggie at a flashing red light.

Two Aggies are trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger when one says, "Hurry, it’s starting to rain and the top is down."


Picking on the lawyers again
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It’s against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There’s a cow in the barn! I can’t sleep in the same room as a cow! It’s against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he’d go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered.


Groan
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country, getting up early and enjoying the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately ran for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer rushed back to his Mercedes, drove into town as fast has he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He’s in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

"What did you do that for?" exclaimed the lawyer. "I said he was in the other one!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "And would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"


Picking on the blondes again
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. He decided to buy her a cell phone. She was so excited by the gift. She loved her phone with its many features.

The next day the blonde went shopping. Her phone rang and it was her husband, "Hi, hon," he said. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replied "I just love it, it’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand though."

"What’s that, baby?" asked the husband.

"How’d you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


Picking on the rednecks again
What is a roll of duct tape and a Popsicle stick?
Redneck Viagra.


Picking on the actors again
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

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