The P.A.T.
Presidential Aptitude Test

by Jerden Purmort

To avoid a recurrence of the present-four-year embarrassment in front of the whole world, Magellan’s Log has devised a Presidential Aptitude Test.

Two important points:
1. Note that this is an aptitude test, NOT an intelligence test. Anyone who conducts his life on the assumption that intelligence implies aptitude needs an immersion course in reality.
2. Given the difficulties which the current occupant of the White House has with English, one might expect our test to feature many incisive language check-up questions. That expectation would be wrong. (And possibly unfair. What kind of English would you expect a kid to wind up speaking who grew up with George I and Barbara for parents?) English is a never-ending problem for all of us, not just for the millions in China struggling to master the secrets of the TOEFL torture.

No, we have done our best to make this a FAIR test of the sorts of aptitude which all reasoning beings would agree are important for anyone striving to become Top Dog in this nation, the Crown of Capitalist Creation.

1. Which one of the following is the greatest?
a. Muhammed Ali.
b. Henry Kissinger.
c. Nancy Reagan.
d. Jesus Christ.

Correct Answer: C. If you have to ask why any of the answers indicated as correct are correct, that only proves that you do not have the aptitude to be president. Criterion No. 1 for the job is: You are surrounded by experts and accept their opinions unquestioningly.



2. If your vice president reveals that he just paid $15 million in taxes for one year, what is your best reaction?
a. Send him on a four-year good will trip to Afghanistan.
b. Fire him.
c. Call your old oil patch buddies in Midland and tell them they better start setting you up for some really big bucks after you leave office or you’re going to turn this nation into solar energy-ville faster than they can say "depletion allowance."
d. Secretly put a whoopee cushion in his chair before the next cabinet meeting.

Correct Answer: D.



3. What scientists call a quantum meteorological event finally occurs, removing ALL doubt about the severe effects of global warming. Your own panel of science advisers, all good fundamentalist Christians, are scared shitless. What do you do?
a. Address the nation live in prime time and announce your program to solve America’s energy crisis by drilling 500 oil and gas wells in Yellowstone.
b. Call Billy Graham and ask him what to do.
c. Close your eyes, let your Bible fall open randomly, put your finger on a page, open your eyes, read the verse your finger landed on, and act accordingly.
d. Knowing that the End is at hand, plead with Laura to get her to finally, well, you know…

Correct Answer: C.



4. You have sneaked out of the White House and are on one of your incognito walking trips around D.C. You are in fact at Hooters. One of the hostesses has EXACTLY the mammary glands which you have dreamed about since your earliest days of exposure to National Geographic. What do you do?
a. Tip her lavishly while letting your sleeve brush ever so lightly against one gland.
b. Ask her if she’s ever heard of the Lincoln Bedroom.
c. Get her name and address and next day have Dick call and offer her a position as White House intern.
d. Throw caution to the winds, plant your lips around one of those lovely rosebuds, and suck like crazy.

Correct Answer: D. (Poppy’s gotten you out of every scrape you’ve ever been in; he can certainly get you out of this one.)



5. You are strolling into the Senate Chamber to give the State of the Union address. As you pass her desk, Hillary Rodham Clinton reaches out, shakes your hand, and knees you in the groin. What do you do?
a. Collapse in groaning agony on the carpeted floor of the Senate Chamber.
b. As you fall, knee her back, bigtime.
c. Pray to Jesus for divine guidance in dealing with heathens.
d. Sic Strom Thurmond on her.

Correct Answer: A. (As if you have a choice!)



6. After Laura’s gone to bed one night, you’re in the Oval Office listening to your second-favorite radio program, Art Bell. It’s a program about UFO’s and alien abductions. You doze off and when you wake up there’s a crowd of little gray creatures with big eyes all around you. What do you do?
a. Remembering Condoleeza’s disparaging remarks about "geeks" during the last international crisis, you ignore them, hoping they’ll just go away.
b. Figuring this is another of Karen’s little practical jokes (like the time she yelled "Bomb!" on Air Force One that had everyone rolling in the aisle), you giggle and pretend to shoot the little guys with your cocked hand.
c. You dial Art’s "First-time Caller Line," identify yourself, get put through to the man himself immediately, and, on the air, give your name, your location, and with calmness befitting your position, describe the situation and ask Art’s listeners for advice.
d. You do all the following simultaneously: 1) scream, 2) wet your pants, 3) jump on your desk, and 4) wave the Nuclear Briefcase threateningly at the little fellows.

Correct Answer: A. (OK, OK. You can give yourself half-credit if you answered D.)



7. Comedians are making incessant fun of you, as they do of every president. You feel that you and your office deserve better treatment. What do you do?
a. Appoint Rush Limbaugh chairman of the FCC.
b. Have all TV sets removed from the White House.
c. Have one of your buddies at Microsoft set up a division to create and market a shoot-em-up video game in which all the bad guys are famous comedians.
d. Complain to Poppy.

Correct Answer: A.



8. At your inauguration, although you haven’t read a poem since 7th grade English, you want a poet to read an original work, remembering JFK and Robert Frost. Karl Rove starts calling around and every poet he calls refuses to appear on the same platform with you. What do you do?
a. Get Lyle Lovett to sing instead.
b. Have Pat Buchanan read selected passages from "Mein Kampf."
c. Ask the audience to join you in singing a chorus of "Dixie."
d. Tell the audience you want to dedicate this inauguration to the most important woman in your life and recite Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s famous Sonnet from the Portuguese ("How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.") while gazing wistfully at Barbara.

Correct Answer: D.



9. As it turns out, the vote counting mess happens again, and again the Supreme Court has to step in and make things right. Thus you find yourself indebted bigtime to the big guy on the big bench. What do you do?
a. Send him a case of Jim Beam.
b. Send him the name of your friend from Hooter’s.
c. Invite him to the ranch for barbecue with all the trimmings.
d. Let him sleep free of charge in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Correct Answer: B.



10. One of those "nosy" New York Times reporters turns up a little incident in your past involving a three-way in a Matamoros motel during one of your campaign swings through South Texas to convince those poor Hispanic so-and-so's they would be better off voting for you. It was truly a night to remember. Unfortunately, one of the participants 1) secretly snapped a few photos while you and her friend were otherwise occupied and 2) her friend was 13 at the time. What do you do?
a. Call Bill Clinton for advice.

Correct Answer: A.

END

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